Hi, my name is Matt, I am the husband of the lady of the house here, and she made me a guest blogger. So here I am with the most elegant, New Yorker type post I could come up with.
This post is about body trolls.
You know how you can just be sitting around doing nothing, or up and at ’em doing everything, or whatever? And all of a sudden you get this sharp stabbing sensation on your skin in a very tiny location? Like, it makes you jump and you have to scratch the hell out of it just to get it to stop? I actually just push down on it as hard as I can with a finger nail until it goes away, cause it doesn’t itch, it just stings.
Know what I’m talking about? Well, the wife and I have those every now and then, and we decided to figure it out. So we did countless hours of research, testing, observing, and holding council with the world’s top minds to figure it out, and what we came up with in a unanimous decision was, the cause of that stabbing is a teeny tiny little troll that hangs out on your body and has an even teenier tinier dagger that it uses to stab you in the skin, just because it’s a dick.
“Fucking foot troll!”
You’ll hear that conversation in our house at any given time, coming from either of us. If it isn’t a foot troll then it’s a leg troll or an arm troll. Where ever that little bastard decided to stab you that day.
Sometimes, every now and then, I’ll get just a tiny bit of an itching sensation with the stabbing, too. I figure that’s the little troll dipping the end of his dagger into some sort of poison, cause he’s trying to kill me. But because he’s so tiny, and the dagger is even tinier, and the amount of poison on the tip of it is only viewable at an atomic level, it just turns into a very small itch that goes away after a few seconds on its own.
I imagine him laughing his little troll laugh as he does it. Asshole. I also picture him wearing little pirate outfits for some reason. Maybe it’s because of the dagger. But nobody wants to see a naked troll, amiright?
The next time you get one of those little stabbing sensations, no matter where it’s at, now you’ll know that it’s a little troll dressed like a pirate somewhere on your body, stabbing the hell out of you with his teeny tiny little dagger.
And if you’re ever in our company and you hear one of us say it, now you’ll know what’s going on.