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NOT TODAY, SATAN!

For those who haven’t picked up on it yet, I work at a hotel as a night auditor. By the time I get to work at 11pm, it’s usually a ghost town and I have the place to myself.

The last hotel I worked at was more of a resort, you may have even heard of it. I’m talking about the Great Wolf Lodge. I did two stints there. If you’re thinking me saying “stints” sounds like jail, then you would be correct and you get a brownie.

That place… It really was hell. I was there for about two years the first time and it was a real eye-opener and a shitty introduction to the hospitality industry. You would think a thousand+ screaming and laughing children would have been the downside but I honestly loved that. The kids were the absolute best part about working for that hellhole.

(Side note: I am SHOCKED that “hellhole” is an actual word in the dictionary, lol.)

My second stint there lasted almost five years until I was wrongfully fired on Thanksgiving of 2015. (More on that in another blog post.) Both times were hell because my coworkers and management, bar a very select few, were terrible individuals. Catty, petty, gossipy. I hated it there but I loved the money I was making and that I had achieved 7 almost solid years at a workplace.

It wasn’t until I started working for the hotel I’m at now that I truly understood that the only good thing to come of my 7 years at the GWL was that I cut my teeth on almost every possible terrible situation that could happen in a hotel.

It prepared me to be able to handle anything that crops up at the new hotel, which is still, frankly, a breath of fresh air to me. For the first couple of months at the new place I was a very tightly wound wire and my boss had to take me aside and explain that they weren’t going to bite my head off and that I could relax. That they understood how shitty the GWL is. I wanted to cry. Seriously…

Almost a year and a half later and I’m still so happy. I love everyone I work with, management has my back in every situation, the hotel is beautifully designed. I have zero complaints. Sort of.

My one complaint shouldn’t be a complaint, but it is. As a night auditor at the GWL, the work required spanned about 5 or so hours over the 8 hour shift. Not to mention it had to contend with the myriad of angry guests, hundreds of room requests, millions of phone calls and various other unpleasant shit that went on in any given night.

As a night auditor for the new hotel, my work is completed in an hour, guests are typically asleep before I come in at 11 and the phone rarely rings, and when it does, it’s usually a guest asking for a wake-up call.

The rest of my time is typically devoted to reading a book or scrolling tumblr or facebook on my phone until about 6 and then I hang out at the front desk to greet guests as they come down in the morning for breakfast or whatever they happen to need.

It gets boring af. And when I get bored, I get bitchy and antsy and anxious and all that downtime that my brain is not engaged in a book, it’s battling with memories from like fifteen years ago when I did something and now I wonder if that person from back then still thinks about what I did and are they still angry and omg, anxiety!!! Stupid brain.

The boredom is the only thing I have to complain about. Usually. Some nights, like last night, was hectic AF. Sold out, certain room types overbooked, had to change guests original booking to smaller rooms, unhappy guests, make them happy within reason.

We’re sold out again tonight and I’m not looking forward to the potential mess that I’ll be traipsing in to. Since I left work this morning I’ve been dreading going in tonight. As of right now it’s about 9:30 at night and I’ve been watching the clock since until I just slapped myself an hour or so ago when I reminded myself that this hotel isn’t the GWL and that I’m grateful AF for the lessons it taught me and that I can more than handle anything that crops up with a grace and dignity that I never had while working for the GWL.

I have it so good. I legit love my job. It literally takes one moment to remember how bad I had it at the last place to remember those two facts and then all is right in my little trashy world.

So… lemme pull on my big girl panties, put on some fucking makeup and give the GWL a middle finger. (Not gonna lie. If we ever have to drive by, I stick both middle fingers out of my window at them. Childish? You fucking bet!)

With all of that in mind, it’s easy to say, “Not today, Satan, not today.”

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Totes need this patch, btw.
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ALL THE SMALL THINGS!

Between a combination of writer’s block and a wonky internet connection, I’ve found it difficult to post on a near daily basis like I was. Also, if you think for one moment I’d take pen to paper and post it later, you’re crazy! Instead, I’ll leave you hanging for a few days because hey, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? I’ll just give you some highlights of the past week and whatnot… Don’t hurt me, please.

  1. Our router, which is still brand new, crapped out for some reason a few nights ago and we couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on. I finally discovered it was my laptop, which I had plugged directly into the router. Unplugged it and voila! It has been a-okay ever since.
  2. I’ve had some serious brain fog going on which has attributed to my writer’s block. All I’ve wanted to do is sleep, sleep, sleep. When I wasn’t sleeping, I could barely function or think rationally. I’ve worked third shift for many years now and never had any issues staying wide awake, but the last couple nights I’ve caught myself nodding off. Ugh… hope that passes soon.
  3. Money’s been a little tight and we’ve been dangerously close to not having any food in the house. Thankfully, family has seen us through in making sure we have enough to eat. We’re eternally grateful for their love and care. We also went to a non-profit called Valley Interfaith Community Resource Center and they’ve paid our gas and electric bill for the next month in addition to the groceries they sent us home with. Can’t express just how relieved we are with all of their help.
  4. The hubs and I are celebrating our 7 year wedding anniversary on May 1st. We had originally planned to get all dolled up and go out for a fancy dinner at Olive Garden* where we’d buy a whole bottle of wine and make a night of it. Scrapped that idea (see #3) and decided we’d go to the Cincinnati Zoo and see the new baby hippo Fiona. Scrapped that idea, too, because they’ve gotten so expensive. So now we’re going to see an early morning movie, get some lunch, drive around all day and then go home and get liquored up with some finger foods on the side. Honestly, that last idea suits us much better than the fancy dinner anyway.

    *Hey, Olive Garden is fancy for us. Shutchomouf.

    So, that’s been our week in this little nutshell. The moral of the story is to sleep when your body says it needs it.

    Don’t be proud… When you need help, utilize your available resources and accept the well-meaning help of your friends and family when they offer it. When you’re in a position to help others, it’s good being able to appreciate both ends of the spectrum.

    If your electronics are acting like an asshole, unplug it and plug it back in. That always seems to be the resolution, lol.

    Finally, learn to have just as good a time on a smaller budget as you would on a larger one. You’d be surprised with what you can come up with when you’re financially strapped. (But there’s nothing wrong with treating yourself, either.)

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    Thank you, Donna Meagle, we will.
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THE COST OF SELF-CARE

*Trigger Warning: Talk of Depression, Anxiety and Suicide.*

Woke up a couple hours ago feeling pretty chipper. I’ve learned from a young age to not trust myself when I’m feeling this happy because I usually spiral into a rotten mood and bitter tears.

Ahhh, gotta love depression and bouts of shitty mania.

Depression and Anxiety
An accurate depiction of the inside of my head.

 

Pretty sure I’ve been depressed since I was a young child. Can’t really remember though because I’ve blocked a giant portion of my past memories. I tried to see a therapist once, but she looked like she was my age and I just couldn’t handle talking to someone who didn’t seem like she’d understand where I was coming from. I felt like I needed someone much older, who had lived through some shit and lived to tell the tale.

So I passed up on the therapy which led to skipping on the option for medication and spiraled through years of suicidal thoughts until I finally took the plunge and downed twenty prescription sleeping pills and woke up in a pile of vomit. I think I was fifteen when that happened. I remember crawling to the toilet and then waking up later that day in bed. I know someone found the evidence of what had happened and yet nothing was ever said about it. Ever. No trip to the hospital, nothing.

I thank God every day that I survived.

I really didn’t mean to tumble down into this pit of darkness and despair. I mean, realistically, this blog can’t be all sunshine and kittens. Even as I’m typing this, it feels like this happened to someone else and I know I’ve dissociated hard from the girl who’s been through so much that she felt the need to kill herself. I know it isn’t healthy to ignore it all. And yet I do.

I am a veritable pro at ignoring things that make me uncomfortable and unhappy. Into the NOPE box it goes to never again see the light of day.

In the last year, in my effort to maintain my self-care, I went through Facebook and unfollowed (and some unfriended) nearly every one of my 90 friends and family until I was left with a timeline of cute animal videos, recipes and the posts of maybe five people. I just did not want to see anything negative at a time when I was feeling incredibly vulnerable.

Self-Care can be dangerous. Because I’d went through and blocked everyone’s posts, it’s helped me lose touch with my friends and family. And because I work third shift and sleep during the day, it’s been made worse in that I’m losing touch with the outside world.

I think all the time that I’m getting cabin fever and make plans and then when it creeps up to actually going out for said plans… I break out in a cold sweat and my anxiety soars and I eventually cancel going anywhere. The thought of being around anyone besides my hubs just makes me tremble and want to cry.

My anxiety has gotten so bad that I’m finally ready to throw in the towel and get some help. I don’t know if I’m ready to rehash every terrible thing that has happened in my life but I think I’m more than ready for the sweet relief of depression medication.